All my fragile strength is gone.

You're beginning to blend in with the rest of the colours, it is becoming ever so difficult to distinguish your individual shade. I told myself that I wouldn't let this wouldn't happen, that I would never let it happen. But as time turns the page, my damned self is getting lost further and further while trying to chase down of what could only be the remnants of you. Unsure of what I'm getting myself into, I am gradually drawing myself closer to a life no one would see fit. I try to fight hard, draining every bit of energy left on me as I seek for the possibilities to have you stay in my life for as long as god will let me.
I never wanted to forget, and now I'm too scared to move on.

I thought that I was strong

It's just another lonely day, no different from any other.

Truth is

My heart will always belong to you. I have always loved you and I never will stop loving you.

CONFESSION1

I can't stop thinking about you.

Whispers of a ghost.

I've told myself countless times to move on and be happy. How can that be so when you were the roots of my happiness? I know it sounds stupid to still be crying over this when we parted a little over seven months ago. But I can't help it, I can't help myself. Tears that fall for you, desperation that can only be cured by you, pain that is caused by you are the only things that allow me to still feel you.
How fucked up is this.

Deja vu.

I'm fighting so hard to hold onto every glimpse of you. I'm afraid of letting myself forget you and replace you. You were truly and undeniably all that kept me together. I don't know what I have left to maintain clarity in life anymore. I feel more lost than usual lately and I'm finding myself chase any fabrication reality proposed that is in anyway, remotely related to you.
I don't want to let myself allow to be put through this mental torture again. But I can't fight it. I am so desperate to feel anything that reminds me of you.

Take me higher.

You have got to stop torturing yourself. You know you deserve better than this so why can't you just do yourself this one little favour and let it all go? It's time to move on to a better time and a better place. It's the least you can do for yourself after all that you have been through. I know you need guidance, but guidance will come along. You just need to take the first few steps towards it.

Thirty-two weeks ago I was happy.

Letting the bass fucking drop at 8am in the morning.

One of my favourite mixes to date

C'est la vie.

This is so fucking complicated.

You said you'd never leave and that you'd always be here. What happened to "I love you and I'll always be right by your side when you need me most." 

I have no one I can confide in because you were the only one who understood me most. There's no one I can trust to handle me at my worst; you dealt with me in the best ways possible to keep me grounded.

I hate you for leaving this world with nothing more than a text message. I cannot believe you left everything and everyone you loved without any second warnings.

I've kept my thoughts in isolation and secluded myself from being too open or personal with everyone I come across. I've distanced myself from the world because I'm struggling to trust in anyone. You knew you were the biggest part of me and my life, you knew how damn important you were to me. You swore it yourself, it was all the same. Then you took everything away and cut all ties without any regards on the impact of the lives around you.

Did I fuck myself over for letting myself getting to know you?

Truth is, I'll never be able to hate you. But as I let my thoughts consume every inch of happiness left in me, I'm becoming incredibly bitter as a person. Flashbacks of the past haunt me on a daily basis as I let everything lose control. I needed you, I'll always need you. But as the days go by, I'm left here to endure it all alone.

Falling deeply.

I don't know what to do because I don't know how I feel.

And I'm kissing you

You gave me your word and said you loved me and that you'd never let me go
so I said, if we find that the world ends tomorrow
I would be content knowing that your lips were the last
that I touched with my own.

It was wonderful.

You took away my motivation, left me in isolation.

Despite how shit it makes me feel..

Thank you for sharing part of your world with me. Now whenever I get lonely, I'm able to feel reconnected with you once again.

I just can't do it. I can't bring myself to be anywhere near places affiliated with you.

And I promise you I never will.

Lonely souls.

If I could turn back the hands of time, I'd go back to that last time we saw each other. I'd try to make it better for you, I'd try to make you stay, I'd try to make you happier.
Was it not enough that I gave you my best? I don't really know how I could have done it differently. I gave you my all to try and turn it all around for you. I put you on the pedestal. I loved you wholeheartedly.
You've taken a chunk of my world away from me and it will forever remain a void destined to be empty. I'm going through hell as I walk these streets alone. I struggle to think, feel, breathe. When you needed me most, I was always there within a heartbeat. Now I need you to reciprocate it all back to me. I need you.. But you're only a dream.

Can't fight this.

I still cry over the loss of you.
I'm trying to contain myself in the places I find myself, but all I want to do is scream and shout.
I want you back, I want you here.

Wherever you are and whatever you may be doing, I hope you're happier than you ever were here.

Things that make me happy.

• Rameses B
• Mrsuicidesheep
• Literature
• OB crew
• Thoughts of you
• Almost instant replies to text messages
• Walking anywhere and everywhere
• Coffee and all that it entails

I hesitate.

When I see or even think of you, there is nothing that prevents the tears from falling.
It hurts too much to even think of all our broken dreams and unfulfilled promises. I miss you so much; Why did you have to leave?

I heard your voice for the first time in five months. It destroyed me.

Out of sheer desperation, I picked up my phone and dialled in your number. As I waited with baited breath for the phone to ring, you'd pick up before the first sound and your voice would resonate. But this time wasn't the same. It was a one way conversation, consisting of me on one end of the line waiting in silence to hear something other than your voicemail.

I long to hear your voice

It's always you I'm thinking of.

Whenever I glance over the times we’ve shared, I’m pulled and tugged in opposite directions. I’m torn between the desire to let you go, because that would probably mean that I am able to finally start searching for the happiness I yearn for, and the reluctance to let you go because it is the only light I have left of you; knowing you are still alive.

I’m really struggling to be where I am because of all those moments we shared; it all kept me together and sane. Knowing now that they are nothing more than memories kicks me down and reduce me to a blank state of mind where all I do is search.

Whether it be on the bus, train, or just wandering around, tears fester in the corners of my eyes as I fight my hardest to not show the pain that has put my life at its expense.
Time is wasted trying to grab onto all these precious, fleeting moments. Knowing that I cannot ever relive them again, or experience any of that with you, it honestly breaks my heart.

JT.

In the short amount of time I've known you, our friendship has only blossomed.
I find it rather difficult to express what you mean to me because you're everything I look for in a best friend.
Although we spend most of our time at work together (if not, apart), you still make me happy even when I am at my worst. Your company brings all that comes packaged with joy, and that is just the little bit of it. I will hang onto you with every ounce of my heart, because TANAKA-SAN, I love you very much.

You're pushing me back.

I’m losing who I am and everything that I love is slowly slipping away. I thought I had a passion to chase, a dream to attain. Was I stringing myself along to believe these things because of these ridiculous expectations bestowed upon me?

I’m lacking the motivation, perseverance, and interest to cling onto the willpower that makes things happen. It’s like I don’t even care if I end up nowhere. Right now, all I want is a break from everything.

Four.

It still feels so unreal.
I know what's happened has happened, but I still cannot bring myself to accept reality. I still look for you, I still hear you, I still feel you.

It shouldn't be this way.

I don’t know what is going on. I keep dreaming of you. I see a world I want to be in, one where your presence feels so real; a world where your passing was just a hoax because you felt trapped and wanted to get away; you wanted to feel a change.

I actually don’t know anymore. I feel so disheartened. I really don’t want to carry on anywhere. I don’t even know what the purpose of my existence is. Maybe this is just a phase, but how long are phases meant to last? I keep struggling to climb out of this trench. I’m tangled in a web of emotions and a fabrication of what reality should be.

Long gone

It's been a little over three months since you've gone. I'm not going to lie; it's been tough. Emotional mayhem took its toll and got the best of me. These last few months have been hell and I'm still trying to find my way out of this train-wreck.
Why did you have to leave?

Doubt thou that stars are fire;
Doubt thou that the sun doth move;
Doubt the truth to be a liar;
But never doubt that I love.

I sit here day after day, composing a series of letters to a figure whose presence no longer exists in this world.

Take me with you, I surrender.

I thought that I was ready to move on and embark on the journey to recovery. But the road is subjected to many obstacles. No matter which diverging route I take, I find myself ending up on a converging road taking me back to square one. All my efforts are rendered moot.
Every time I think about you or look through the box of memories I have kept in a place for you, I'm brought to tears. I thought that I was going to be okay after a few months, but here I am still pining for you. Truth is, I am exhausted of trying to get by. I really need you but you coming back is a cold harsh statement; it is never going to happen.

This isn't happening.

Not so long ago, I dreamt of the person that I yearn for so deeply. It was kind of relieving to be able, in a sense, see them again. It's like every aching muscle in my body is fighting to hold onto what I can imagine is left, whatever is left.
To be honest, I fear that I will end up hating myself as I allow your face to become one of those others in the crowd. You have always been that beacon of shining light I have needed, the shoulder I could cry on; you were so bold and bright, nothing sheltered your existence. Effortlessly, you stood out and shone out among the rest.
I don't want to forget you, I can't forget you.

Illusions.

Everything tangible has fallen apart and there isn't even the slightest chance of it coalescing ever again.

It's the end.

I like walking around this old and empty house.

Closing my eyes only replays the events when we last saw each other. the horrifying thought of opening them again bestows me upon some unfathomable reality; a world I no longer want to be in. I feel as though life has lost its true essence the very moment we parted.
There is honestly nothing more in the world I could want but to relive those last few moments once again. If only I could see you, feel you, hear you once more (to have you back really...), would make me truly and indefinitely happy.
Days are getting hard again and I cannot believe what has become of me. I don't know how I became so attached to you over time. Am I a complete fucking idiot for falling completely head over heels for you?

I've hit rock bottom and now, all I want is a way out.

And after you die, your love will become a story forever etched in her heart.
Every single night she'll love you with her memory.

私はあなたなしでは生きていけない。

本当よ。出来ない。

Semblance.

Time was meant to heal, but as each second, minute, hour that passes by only amplifies the difficulty of getting by without you. I'm more attached to you than I thought I was.
When gazing around the streets observing the bodies found wherever I might be, I expect to see your golden shining hair amongst the many faces in the crowd. When one does happen to catch my eye, my heart stops for a brief moment and adrenaline rushes through me. With each inhale of anticipation expecting to see the face I've come to love so dearly, I don't, and let out a great sigh of sadness and disappointment.
When trying to escape from this reality life has provided, music has always been a first resort. But with everything I try, it is bound to you in some way. It's somehow concocted a world where each beat and rhythm that resonates, darkness dawns over and washes everything out - reduces all to a state of ambiguity where I cannot distinguish between what is real and what isn't. Everything I've come to know and believe in is evaporated, as with everything I've come to find joy in.
I'm really struggling; I really need you.

That chance encounters keeps us going.

Naturally I have zero friends. I've built a wall around me, never letting anybody inside and trying not to venture outside myself.

It's all gone now.

We could have had it all; our wishes, our hopes, our desires.
Even after all that's been said and done, here I am still waiting, though I know you are now only a figment of my imagination.
All that's left are the fragments of a broken dream, tears that yearn for your presence, a heart that remains incomplete.

The intense stream of desire had dried up, where once it had her life.

There isn’t a thing that will ward off the evil in this world.

Why anyone would ever have to go to such measures is simply a concept I will probably never truly understand. Yes, life is too unfair and at times, all we can seem to do is mope and drown ourselves in our own selfish despair. Quailing over all that could have been opens a whole lot of opportunities for misery to eat you up. If only life had been fair and given us more time. I honestly believe that we could have had something amazing, could have been something amazing.

Today brings an end to everything we’ve constructed. It’s time to say goodbye and let go, but I can’t; I’m nowhere near ready to say goodbye, it’s too soon to let go. No matter how hard I try, I can’t bring myself to do it. You are too damn special to me.

A little while ago, you asked me what my biggest regret had been. From there onwards to this very day, my answer still remains the same.

I really don't know what to do. I'm so lost without you.