However

I envisioned a life with you; never without. Yesterday night made all things possible. We were so close to having the life, living the life we had dreamed of together. But nonetheless, reality has stripped me of all my hopes of what could have been.

This has crippled me; it has left me paralysed and trapped.

TOD

I don't want to be here long enough to sit and watch everything spiral out of control.

Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life.

Simple, but not easy.

I wished I could have had that life with you.

The last of you

Saying goodbye to the last few pieces that I wished I wouldn't ever have to part with. But don't you worry, I will never forget.

I'm losing sight of all that I have dreamed of. Day by day, every little bit of effort I have diminishes, hope fades, and I feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into agonising pain.

I don't know what to do anymore. I need your help but you won't give me what I need to get through this. I wish I could tell you everything that's been on my mind. But I'm afraid of what you'll say or how you'll act. Every time I've tried to open myself up to you, you tell me there's no reason for it or I'm acting like a child. I can't explain what I'm feeling to you. I can't even understand it myself. All I know is that it's been here for a long time now and I cannot find a way to get myself out of this hell. 

Maybe it's just the chemistry in my brain that's all messed up. Maybe it's something else. I'm beginning to think that there's no way of fixing this anymore.  

With nothing left to keep me grounded, I just want to shut the world out. I want to shut everything out. I want to get away.

now i have to live without you

I woke up one day finding nothing, no one next to me. I was devoid of emotion, I was lost, I was confused. I hated the everything, I hated anything remotely related to you because every thing that I came across would bring me to the darkest of places.
You were the best person I knew. You hold a very special place in my heart. I will always regard our friendship as one of the most special things I'll ever know; it is something I will always hold ever so dearly forever in my life. Whenever I think of you and all the times we have shared, it never fails to bring a smile to my face. That is something that will never change. Thank you for shaping me into the person I am.

i'm trying to hide it, but i just want you to know that wherever you are, i miss you.

I think I need to get away from you.

Look inside past the garden walls

Crying is weak - I understand that.

But sometimes, no matter how much courage or strength I am able to muster, it is simply all I can do.

This frustration is an inescapable prison of destruction. Trapped in these walls time has built for me out of sheer desperation to shield myself from all this hurt and pain has done nothing beneficial for me.

In one word, I guess you could say what I've amounted to is lacerating (myself, my mind, my heart).

To walk away from this life

I hate you more and more each day. Never even thought I could hate anyone so much.

Dream on little dreamer

When the moment is right for you, you've got to go

When I first saw you I thought you were beautiful.

My heart is caught in a vice.

No matter what you do, no matter what happens between us, I'll always come back to you.

I don't want to be stuck in this endless chain of never-ending predicaments.

What I want is either a way out of this heart-wrenching grief, or a way out of us.

IQ84

That night I lost you, I lost something inside me. Or perhaps, several things. Something central to my existence, the very support for who I am as a person.

There's no end.

In a nutshell, a roller coaster of emotions.

I cannot pinpoint where I am today - what I'm meant to be doing, how I'm meant to be feeling, who I'm meant to turn to.

I don't have much to say anymore. This is all so generic.

You threw it away.

What could have been everlasting might have been a formula for destruction. What might have seemed hopeful, something ready to blossom, could have possibly been the worst thing to have happened to us, given that we saw everything through.
Don't get me wrong, that's not me saying that I wouldn't have given it a go. But not only were you my best friend, you were something special.
When we looked at each other, that's when we both knew. It was something, it was something amazing.
No feeling in this world, no emotion, no words will ever live up to what you've given me. You've opened up my eyes to a whole new world. But that plane came crashing down a long time ago and no matter how hard I try, there will never be a way of going back.

Sometimes i cannot even.. UGH.

I've lost all that is important to me and you do not even have a single clue as to all that goes through my mind each and every day.

So yes, of course I am a train wreck. But thank you for slapping that label onto me and bitching to your friends about it. Thanks for your support.

optimist (i will try)

here's to you and what you have given me
a new life
a better understanding
a purpose to drive myself
through hardships
loneliness
whatever it may be

although i cannot see you anymore
what i do
i allow it to speak within me
even if i have to go through the depths of hell
sitting here
waiting in silence
missing you

i hope to share with you
this little piece of my life
just hang in tight
i'll see you soon
but
until we meet again, my friend
know that i really did
love you.

(with all of my heart)

Give me something to believe in again.

Now I finally see

I've wasted many nights crying for you, crying for something you can never give me.

Why am I still fighting to hold onto this?

HIDE AND SEEK

Deep and tranquillising. Probably not one of the genres many would find themselves listening to, but it is absolutely mesmerising to me.
I find this song hauntingly beautiful, and of course, I find great meaning to it. One of my favourite late stumbles lately.

There's nothing that I can do except bury my love for you

It's been a long year.

Your absences makes it stretch far more than what time has measured. It drags on into the depths on darkness and I cannot help but feel so damn lonely without you. Every night before I close my eyes and drift off into a fleeting sanctuary, I hope with all my heart that I'll see you in my dreams.

I know you're not here, but I still yearn for your presence. 

It's been a long week.

Tuesday brought about feelings of anguish and despair.

I saw you lay there deep in the earth, I saw you watching from high up in the heavens above. I could still feel you while I lay there on my knees, lost of all hope, talking to what could seem to be nothing.

I know you're not here, but part of me still feels that you are.

About ten days or so
After we saw you dead
You came back in a dream.
I'm all right now you said..

And it was you, although
You were fleshed out again:
You huffed us all round then,
And gave back your welcoming beam.

How like you to be kind,
Seeking to reassure.
And, yes, how like my mind
To make itself secure.

One

One year ago,

not too long ago, 

You flew.

Away from the troubles 

Away, Far from the misery

Today,

You are still here.

Forever in my heart

Mind

Soul

You will always be.

The art of losing.

O how shall I warble myself for the dead one there I loved? 

And how shall I deck my song for the large sweet soul that has gone? 

-w.w

I built up all this courage to see you and now, I'm already wanting to back out. I can't see you. Not now, not yet. But I know I should.

nutshell

I miss you more than ever
The days grow near which mark one year since you've passed. Thinking back, nearly a year ago we had something special, something everlasting.
I spend a lot of my days thinking about you, wishing how things could have been different if you were still with us. What could have been if we had just found you sooner? What if we could have saved you? I know time has passed, and I don't really know how everyone else is coping. But I'm here, not doing so well, and I don't know what to do.
You are slipping away though, and sometimes I can't even picture you. I'm always trying my best to keep you in my thoughts, but it really does get the best of me. It makes me lose motivation in everything I do. Losing you wasn't part of the plan, I wished it had never happened. It's simply not the same without you.

i dream about you more often than not now. it makes me happy. it's just like how it always was. i never want to wake up again.

i wish i did more

If you crash your car into your best friends house

Would you be quiet as words came out of their mouths?

Stop, don't do it, I have been waiting for it

Stop, I knew it would come

If you find a god next to your girlfriend's bed

Would it be hard to sort out your spinning head?

Stop, don't say that, dear, that you wanted him here

Stop, don't give him a clear

Take a picture of them

Take a picture of them

If you are afraid don't be, I have the whole thing planned

We'll start in the ocean, baby, and when we find the land

We will be thankful to all of our friends

That they didn't leave us as we got to the end

Take a picture of them

Take a picture of them

Take a picture of them

Take a picture of them

If you find your faith in your parents' god

Don't be so quick to point out the flaws in it

You've been around and you've seen the way that things work

But you need a compass to get around your house

even if you're gone

i know you truly loved me. i felt it, you showed it, you were never afraid. what you did was what you thought was best for you. i'm never going to hold that against you.
i do miss you, i miss you every day. there isn't a single thing in this world that could ever take away the memories. i just have to fight hard to hold onto them. you have really become an important aspect of my life. my love for you will always persist, even through the darkest of days, even when i feel that i'm forgetting you a little bit, even if i can't remember your face. as long as i remember the feelings, i promise you, everything will come rushing back to me, just as though you were still here. don't ever doubt it, i truly loved you too.

I'm more exhausted than I think I am

I know you can't read minds

but is it so hard for you to see that i am feeling so little?

Because to me, what you're doing is making me feel insecure
that i'm not good enough
that i'm not worthy enough
that i'm not what you want.

you don't put in half the effort anymore.
everything else is your priority
everyone else is your priority.

tell me,
where do i fit in this world you have of yours?
do you bury me deep underground
and dig for me when there's no one left?

What's there left to hold onto?

What's left in the empty remains of a hollow heart?

You have nothing left in you.
Just give up.

I don't really care for much these days. I really don't care for anything at all.

so for future us, cheers, and may the rest of our years be the best ever.

Not even death can.

Happy belated birthday.
Sorry for not seeing you. Sorry for not trying harder.
But I still love you with each and everyday that passes.

本当に

約束守れなくてごめん。

The pursuit to perfection, in essence, is destruction.

I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry I couldn't be better to you.

That was the last I'll ever hear of your voice.