A. T. F.

I woke up this morning feeling slightly empty, like part of my life was missing something. The shock had only just hit me and I cannot believe you're gone.
You were a son to a few and a brother to many. Your absence will not be a burden, your presence will not be forgotten. Your smiles brought warmth to those around you and your hugs comforted those in need. You have touched our lives and have made your mark on this earth.
You're free now, and I know you'll be watching over us like you always have.

Still fighting for this and I don't know why.

Esoteric conundrums.

Waiting is a game and we've all being doing it for as long as we can remember. But you’d think that after having playing the waiting game for umpteen years, something (or even someone) would have come around by now.

Only god knows what I’ve had to endure, waiting for everything to become ameliorated.  But here we are and yet, nothing’s changed. Yes, old habits die hard, but I’m letting myself get fucked over and dragged into this deleterious hole. Even if I tried, even if I had helping hands, I wouldn’t be able to climb out of it. I’m trapped, I’m tied to you, and I can’t escape.

For far too long, have you let your selfish needs stand between what we have. You don’t care that I’m here, you’re just glad that I am here; You know that no matter how bad things, get I will ALWAYS be here at the end of the day. You know who I am, and you know how I work. It’s basically carved in stone. You’ve some insidious scheme going on, and you don’t care who you hurt along the way. I don’t quite exactly know what your motives are, going on about what you do on weekends, but if spending your time away from me, far from me as possible is your goal, I can promise you that I won’t be around much longer. The tables have turned and I have incentives in life. You are no longer a priority, just as I am not yours. You're not better than anything anymore, if anything you are worse. I have better things going on in my life and to waste all my time on something that just isn't going to reciprocate anything is just not worth my efforts or time. To berate you is a choice, but I’m tired of mothering you. You’re not a child anymore, so if your lackadaisical approach is the method you decide taking on to salvage what’s left of this mess, buddy, you’re in for a big shock.

Social convention

It has come to the point in time where I've just stop expecting anything from you. I can't expect anything from you because you have nothing to deliver. No, it's not only on the social conventional days, it's every day. But hey, I'd be an idiot to expect something right? I mean after all, this is just what you do. You've based your faults on the fact that you "weren't brought up this way." Hello genius, I don't think anyone was brought up "that way." It's just something you learn to do over time. And with 21 years of existence, I thought that maybe it would have occurred to you some point in time. And besides, I wasn't brought up "that way" either, but I've learnt to overcome this obstacle in life. It's called LISTENING. You learn to give and share by listening. Anyway, my mental state of the "no-fucks-are-given" isn't a ticket to the land of what you deem parsimonious. Just because I don't expect, doesn't mean I don't care. I'm observant, and because of that, it absolutely kills me.

Dear you

I can't lose you. You're important to me.
And I don't want to give you up, I can't give you up. You've been more than kind to me. For everything you have done for me, I could honestly say that I am forever in your debt.

I can't go on like this.

Falling and fading.

You've gone, you've left me on my own.

SAVIOURS.

I'm incredibly blessed and lucky to have you, and by you I mean the several few of you.
Life throws at us mounds of hardships and how one is to cope by them self will always remain an enigma. I'm just thankful to have you with me in the hard times only to share the smiles and joy in the end. Because of you, you're what gets me through the days, making me believe that leaving everything behind was worth it. And it's true; You're the one who held out a helping hand whenever I was found down in the trenches. Whenever I needed consolation, a shoulder to cry on, someone to confide in, it was you that was always there. You're not a knight in shining armour, you are so much more than that. For everything you've to offer and have offered, I cannot even begin to thank you. To put your character into words is a task that I simply cannot do. You're more than words can describe and as the cheesy saying goes, a treasure near impossible to find.

振り出し

I've tried and I've tried and I've tried. The only feedback that I'm getting is you the presence of your absence. You cannot even begin to grasp a hold of the situation as it is. You blame me for not confiding in you, but how can I when you're never even there? We aren't running in circles anymore, there isn't even the slightest glimpse of a chase. We are running parallel circuits, destined to never meet.

I'm not just a friend.

I'm someone who is willing to do anything for you whenever you want, where ever you want. I'm that person you never complain about not having to spend time with; you know I'll always be there. So when there's no one left to contact, you come to me offering me all that I want because it's convenient for you. Weekends apart, you don't give a single damn (even if they're consecutive). It doesn't matter that we don't have the time to reconnect, it doesn't bother you that we never really talk. Mundane activities is what's found in our every day life, it's our entire relationship. I cook, I clean and I take good damn care of you. In return, all I ask is for your time and presence.
I can't help but feel that you're only here for me when it's convenient for you and you do things with me when you've no one else around. You have got to understand that I'm not a friend. I'm not someone who you can leave alone and expect it to all be okay.
I love you, but you're bringing me down. I've lost my touch, I've lost my passion, I've lost me.