13 years and for what?

- A number.
Who would have ever thought my life would be pinned down and determined by a number. I know that this number will eventually be nothing more than a few figures somewhere down the line, but right now it holds the power to destroy me and my dreams or let something amazing come out of it. Although moping around and stressing over something that is completely beyond my control, which was once in fact in my control, won't really change anything. I guess in the end, there really isn't anyone I can blame except me.

FAME AND FORTUNE.

Actors and actresses spend their whole lives, or whatever of it, 'pretending' to be someone else. I've always wondered that in the process of wearing the identity of someone else, do they lose connection with the person they are? Or perhaps, is it that we never truly come to learn the identity of the person they really are because we get sucked into believing that the character they star as in movies or sitcoms is the person they are? Thus, upon viewing their interviews, the person they choose to sport really isn't them but rather, it is a concealed person leaving us lost in the dark, unable to pinpoint the nature or person they are after having seen them behind this mask hey have put on for society to see. Having said that, maybe the same can be said about celebrities, just to be a little broader. They are, what society deems, 'idols'. So they too, have to confine themselves as a whole, into this physical embodiment of what society has considered and concocted to be the definition of an 'idol'. Maybe fame and fortune after all, isn't that great. I mean, not being able to be yourself and perhaps even losing yourself in the process of confinement and 'fraud' comes at a big price.

YOU DEFINE THE PERSON I AM.

Sometimes I feel that as human beings, we feed and live off the compliments received from other parties. They boost our self esteem and these egotistic statements consequently extend from our interior, giving rise to our exterior embodiment and from this, we grow from them and become a "better" version of ourselves. However, these compliments we receive inhibit our vision and we fail to see are the downfalls of our traits. We let these aspects that hold us back and deprive them of time and dedication which could further enhance and shape the person we are. We are so caught up and focused on working on the things people notice and forget that the parts of us no one notices, are also aspects that need working on too, to help us develop a stronger character.

THE FIRST TASTE OF FREEDOM.

Trak's Carnival, end of exams party. CELEBRATORY DRINKS! - A perfect friday night out.

WOM WOM WOMMMM.

What happens next?

Sometimes I think that the notion of growing up and moving on with our lives doesn't become an option anymore; it is something that is beyond our control. As time ticks, our life goals compete with the days that are left and we strive to find the time to balance everything. It's like the transition from being a young, naive teenage pubescent is over in a mere blink of an eye and before we know it, our adolescent days are over. We hit uni and try to search for good incentives to do well as we aspire to climb up on the academic ladder and contemplate where we will end up on the corporate ladder. Instead of receiving birthday party invitations, we begin to receive wedding invitations. Instead of wondering what will be for breakfast, lunch and dinner, we'll begin to think of what three delectable meals will be put on the table. We'll have to start worrying about mortgages, paying tax and work. We'll embark on a road of independence, have our own lives to take care of and the people we choose to share it with. We'll make new friends and those friendships will blossom while we subconsciously drift away from ones we held so dear to us, once upon a time ago. And that the next time you see them, you'll only have the memories to keep you two together while you try to piece together the image of the person they use to be.
Time is scarce and change is inevitable; that's life. Both challenge us in ways unimaginable and beyond comprehension. Our versatility and ability to cope with these obstacles is just one of them.

WHO, WHAT AND WHY.

Your identity is yours and no one can take that away from you. What you want to make of yourself and how you want others to perceive you is ultimately up to you. However, it baffles me how easily our identity or character can be influenced based on the opinions and expectations of others. It has the power to manipulate our decisions. Consequently, this reflects on the actions taken by one which drives them onto a path unintended. The identity of one no longer poses as an intangible identity leeching out from the soul to form our exterior self but rather, it becomes a manifestation of the dreams and expectations of others; the dreams our loved ones have for us. We become a walking statue, modeled by our loved ones formed on the basis of the dreams of theirs. Whether we want to follow these dreams or not, we oblige because it is supposedly the right thing to do. What we do not realise is that this desire to fulfil and satisfy the expectations of others silently consumes us. As we strive to fulfill this role in someone else’s dreams, our ambitions are pushed to the side as we unintentionally and unwarily change the person we are into a person someone else wants us to be.

Growing up with certain expectations, just like many other peers of mine, the one thing my parents have ever had their mind set on from the day I ‘stepped foot’ into this word, was and still is for me to succeed. But I have never been able to comprehend this notion of success they have for me. Is success demonstrated by how exemplary school grades are? Is it portrayed through tests, and anything short of 95% is considered as merely mediocre despite how satisfied or proud you are with the result? Or is it measured by how many integers appear on an annual income? Becoming so attached to this definition of success they have concocted in their heads for themselves, they have become so narrow-sighted and cannot even begin to see the reality and decipher the feelings of ours, their own children. What hurts most is that the moment you begin to tell them that you want to alter this perfectly mapped out plan they have for you, they question you full of disappointment about the decisions you are yet to make. They ridicule you, they criticize you, and they backhand you for being disrespectful and accuse you of throwing away all their efforts and sacrifices, simply because you are chasing a dream that is not theirs. You are placed under the spot-light and you have an epiphany. You realise that your future is not yours, it is theirs, and they have found you a place in this meritocratic society. Afraid of disappointing the people who have invested almost everything to bring you to where you are today, you allow yourself to be steered back onto the right path. Your dreams consequently, enter a warzone with those of your parents.

It pains me to see others with creative pursuits crack under the immense pressures in their environments. They push away their talents, letting it just hover at the back of their minds. It is like the suit jacket is the new strait jacket. Perhaps they are not unhappy with their choice. But seldom do I see or perceive the enthusiasm as they begin to unravel the not-so-mysterious life, the mundane life of the nine-to-five job. There is no shift in their mood nor is there a spark in their eyes when they talk about being enclosed in a room of four walls, typing away at their electronic box. Each word spoken, each word sounded out is as plain and lifeless as an empty melody; one syllable after another that continues to roll off their tongue without joy. It is heartbreaking to think that they had to give up what they loved most in order to sustain the relationship between them and their dictator. It is incredibly heart breaking to know that they are chasing a dream that is not theirs because their master, their parents’ are so incredibly high maintenance; not altruistic enough to even see their child happy. And that the dreams of theirs fought against those of their loved ones, and crumbled.

This final year of high school has inevitably situated me in a battlefield with my parents. It is amazing how drastic a person can change purely due everything they have had thrown at home. Relationships haves been torn and determining where one fits in as a person becomes a puzzle. You spend your time searching for the pieces that fit in nicely around you, leaving you feeling secure in a niche. Whilst trying to find that place and concurrently, trying to not disappoint these people who sit on the pedestal, I have boxed myself into this identity they want of me, changing the person I want to be into a person they need me to be.  Day after day, following the same routine like a perfectly choreographed dance, any rectifications wanted is a big fat no. All this pressure to do well and be “successful” has reduced me to hysterical puddles of self-loathing. Not once, have I ever felt so trapped and resentful, until now. While trying to put on a mask and remain optimistic, the silver lining, if there was one to begin with, is now close to being obliterate. I cannot help but throw an “it’s not-fair tantrum”.  However, re-evaluating these series of what I sought out to be unfortunate events, underneath this strait jacket, there is freedom. Being controlled for so long, I have forgotten that there is a seam of freedom, and if that seam is pulled, eventually the jacket will come loose. And that is exactly what I have done. Tugging away at this loose thread, I have freed myself and found the person I am. These amalgamation of experiences endured has shaped the person I am. From the moment of birth and all these conflicts endured, this semi-permeable membrane of life has allowed the factors shaping my identity to pass through, giving rise to the person I am today. Although my parents may not always agree with the decisions I have made, and sometimes it may seem as though a shadow of disappointment has been brought to shame the family, the person that this membrane has constructed, this identity my parents have helped shaped, is smart enough to make decisions on their own. From living a controlled life, breaking away and steering my own wheel has resulted in feelings of sheer happiness, permeating through each and every day that passes by.

Turning away and not looking back is by far, the best decision I have ever made, one that I will not regret, ever. I have diverted away from these expectations and through this rollercoaster of conflicts, I have found where I belong. I will not allow someone to dictate where I am headed, I’m chasing a dream and you’re going to watch me. 

Never be what you want.

Striving to keep myself alive all the way to the finish line just to have you knock me down and have all my dreams crumble.

FOR THE BETTER?

We're all reluctant to cope with change. Today marks one of the days where changes have immediately been put in place. It's a little overwhelming I suppose. No longer will I be in the presence of Jack for six hours on a weekly basis, no longer will I have to wake up on a Monday morning and attend period one classes. I don't even have to put on uniform anymore (except for exams, but that doesn't really count) and for the first time for what seems to be an eternity, I can sleep in and not feel guilty about it. These are only of the few changes that I care to name and are being introduced into my life, I know there are more but right now, it hurts too much to admit that they've come about into my life.

MAYBE IN TIME YOU'LL DISAPPEAR FROM MY LIFE.

In just a few short days, it'll all be over. No longer will the presence of peers be felt, long gone will be the familiar faces, and eventually all the comforting voices we have all grown so attached to, will all just fade away into to distance. Who knows, maybe in 5 years, even 10, these voices, faces and presence of those who we claim to be the most important bodies in our lives, will creep up upon us and we'll look back to now, one of the most difficult times, and if not, possibly the most, and laugh. Questioning ourselves what there was to even be afraid of and how easy it actually was.
In just a few short days, we will all encounter the pain of what it is to alter the world we have grown so accustomed to and deal with the heartbreak that comes hand-in-hand with letting go. Who knows, maybe in time, the pain will subside and we'll learn to forget about the faces and moments that caused us the damage, situating us in the heart-wrenching diaspora.
In just a few short days, we'll say our farewells, exchange empty promises and wipe away the tears trickling from each other's eyes. But who knows, maybe somewhere down the line, the words that once seemed so significant, will do them self justice. Maybe the past will unravel itself and nothing will have ever been truly over.
In a few short days.. Maybe it won't have to be.

LET IT BE ME.

No one's asking you to believe me. In the end, you're only doing damage to yourself by believing this lie you've concocted in your head.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD LAST FOREVER -

Oh, how very wrong I was. It feels as though there are only a few days remaining - nine to be exact - in which I can still define myself. I suppose what they say is true; your final year of high school will feel as though it is one of the fastest years in life. I can't help but wonder, after these final days, who will I be and what will I become?

DISPOSITION.

How is it that we are able to talk to the same person day in and day out about something completely different every day and yet, still never run out of things to converse with? Is it when we finally run out of things to communicate with each other, the day the relationship ends? The day you move on and find something better? For what it's worth, I hope words don't fall dry.

Notice me.

Every time I find a reason for me to leave, you give me a reason to stay.
Every time I find a reason to stay, you give me a reason to leave.
Whenever I try to find where I lie in this chaotic mess, reasons find me an excuse to not care.

ALL THE SAME.

We are all capable of falling for bullshit and incapable of making right decisions.

BABY I'M A DREAMER.

And I'll be your memories, your lullaby for all the times hoping that my voice could get it right.

Tragedy.

One of the saddest things in life is watching people leave.

TELL ME, TELL ME.

Cannot miss or love something you've never had. So why do I feel that I'm suffering from both losses?

AND I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE.

You don't want me no, you don't need me..

Get a hold of yourself.

What's the point?

SO...

It's been so long since you've said, "Well I know what I want and what I want's right here with you."

Thoughts by the hour.

Here we are, whispering meaningless apologies, left alone on tonight accompanied by the mere presence of tears and heartache. There isn't a thing - not a single damn thing - I can do that will eradicate these memories as flashbacks of the past flow in and out of my mind at its own freewill.

Oh stupid me, you've fucked it all up again.

FROM WHAT IT ONCE WAS.

This moment's fleeting
Our love is fading
From us I'm running
And pain I'm escaping.

WHERE DOES THE GOOD GO?

Exhausted of all other options. It's now a matter of having the will to take things as they are, to face them as they are, and hope that it'll all be worth it.

WASTED EFFORT.

I sat there staring at my wall as the rain splattered its melodic rhythm against the glass of the window as I replayed the image of you walking through the gates into another world. If I could relive the last three years and three months, if I could relive that moment right before you left my world, I would; I would do it all again to try and make you stay and I would have tried harder to show you how much I love you. But those times are gone; we are gone and the brutal fact is that there is now nothing I can do to change any part of it. Reality has it, is that we are as good as the raindrops that fall to the ground dissipating into fragmented shards as it does. I wish this were all a dream...if only it were all a dream.

And here I have it, half of my life in my hands.

And with the remains, it is building over me forming a tower from bricks concocted of self doubt and melancholy. Hope is streaming down my face, time is slipping through my fingertips and there is nothing I can do to hold onto it any longer. (This is beyond any remedy time can manufacture.)

COULDA, SHOULDA, WOULDA!

I'm on a quest and I'm in search of something that will keep me going for the rest of this year because really, this year is all I have. Well, whatever's left of it anyway. I don't want to look back at yesterday thinking I could have done more. I want to prove to myself that I can do it and that your dreams are within reach. All I need to do is work at it, work for it and not let go of it.

CHASE THE DREAM.

Whatever path you decide to embark on in the future or whatever goals you set out to attain, you will succeed and achieve things beyond what you think you are a capable of. Stay focused, determined and don't forget to have a little fun. Chase the dream and never give up.
(Just a thought)

ONCE UPON A TIME.

TORMENTED AND TORN APART.

Said and done.

It's quite obvious; I simply cannot live without you. Even after this ridiculous proposal I had suggested to be implemented and taken onboard, it hasn't even been 24 hours yet and here I am; I'm caving in, I'm not coping and I'm already crawling back to you, back at nothing.

HEARTBREAK HEARTACHE.

Actions speak louder than words, but right now all I want is the comfort of your words; the words that make my heart dance and feel sheer happiness (and everything related).

I'm already regretting all of this and I hate the fact that maybe this IS what we are in need of. Something that'll make us realise that what we have is incredibly delicate and must be handled with care. Something that'll help us appreciate more of what we have. Something that'll show us that this is the most incredible thing that could ever happen to anyone.
I'm not going anywhere, I'm still here waiting and I'm holding on for dear life.

More than a bit ambivalent.

Maybe this is a wake-up call.

Maybe this is something I won't get through.

Maybe the struggle won't be worth it.

But I'm persistent and I will find a way out. Even if it kills me.

Less than 100.

I know what I want and I know how to get it. What I don't know is how to keep focused and not get side tracked. I'll never be where I want to be at and the most terrifying thing is that not even the thought of failing is enough to pull me out of this mess I'm in. I'm not looking for salvation, I'm waiting for it to come to me.

What have you got to prove?

I am an ordinary human; capable of achieving extraordinary feats
I am an ordinary human; living in a world full of infinite opportunities
I am an ordinary human; accomplishing what has been set out to do
I am an ordinary human; no different to any other human; I am you.

Not meant to be.

Just when you think you've got it all figured out, there is always just one thing that will throw you off course and you're left to wonder and work from scratch, where you are heading, what you are doing and how you're going to do it.

LIGHT UP MY LIFE.

A free light/sound exhibition at QV square + fed square.

It doesn't have to be this way.

And right now, I'm feeling the sadness of not being able to talk to you. My mind is making me miss you more than ever and the repercussions are starting to become evident. However, maybe this distance between us isn't a bad thing. Maybe this is exactly what we need; something to ignite the feeling of what it is like to not have each other. Maybe we will learn from our mistakes and when we come out of this tunnel of heartache and misery, everything will be a whole lot better. Maybe, just maybe. But this isn't what I want.

Scattered thoughts.

I stood there static in a prison enclosed by four walls as time around me slowed down. The words I thought I would never hear were being shot at me one after another, piercing my chest with each fire echoing louder than the previous one. The world was spinning and nothing could seem to make it stop. Traces of tears began trickling from my eyes streaming along my face. As the teardrops struck the floor, the sound was amplified in the dead room. A cold crisp breeze swept its way in and hit me, waking me up from this world my head had concocted. It was then, when I realised that there was nothing more in this world I could ever want more than you; if I was able to have you everyday for the rest of my life, it would be enough. That no experiences encountered or memory shared could or would ever live up to the ones that await us. So, I stood there as I let the tears stream down my face and I waited taking your words like a bullet to the chest; I waited with baited breath, standing there with open arms, ready to welcome you back in again.

SALVATION.

Time to go far away in a world my head will create for me these holidays.

404

Quiet roads, soft winds and a clear sky.
Looks like I've a long day ahead of me.

Just one, just you.

All I can do now is make you smile and hope that on the other end of the line, you are far from being only okay.

Circumspection.

Flat ground,

we're safe and sound.

Flat ground,

for you I have found.

48 hours.

And just after 3 hours in the short period of two hectic days, half the years work can now be set aside.
Minutes fly by and days feels shorter than ever now. The funny thing is, is that time hasn't disappeared. There are still 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes in an hour, 60 seconds in a minute. So why does it feel like life around me is passing by in the blink of an eye?

Falling to pieces.

I cannot help but feel that everything they have, I'm missing out on because you're not here with me. I know that I'm lucky and I know that what we have is incredibly amazing.
Spare me the misery, push the fast-forward button if you will.

私に信じて。

Maybe we haven't been showing the best of us lately and this could be another obstacle we have to over come. Perhaps this time it won't be as easy as before. But I promise you, we will come out stronger and I will love you a whole lot more.

7 days.

Determination and perseverance are the only things I can hold onto now.

Drowning.

At the point in life where you realise what is ahead of you and what your main focus is. It is still quite overwhelming trying to grasp hold of the situation as it is.

On a different note, waking up at the ungodly hour I did today (5:30am!) was nothing short of relaxing. Maybe it is time to consider waking up early again.

助けて。

I feel so close to being broken. The more I begin to delve into the life as to what it may be like without you, the more I begin to see how much better off you are without me. Truth is, I don't want to let you go, but it seems like you want a way out. As it has always been, communication is the key. It is the fundamental aspect in every relationship that allows a relationship to develop and blossom with life.
There isn't much else I want of you right now, but if anything, all I ask of you is to stop hanging me on a thread of hope. I don't want to wait and come to the end where I'm just going to have my heart ripped out, crushed and shoved back into my chest in a bloody heap.

どう頑張ってみても零れ落ちた涙はすぐに止まらない。

Trying to not complain because I know people have it far worse than I do. But lately, my emotions are getting the best of me and I can't help but whimper every night, on the verge of tears before I bed. This severe case of missing-you-itis has reduced me to hysterical puddles of self-loathing. Never once, have I ever felt so trapped and resentful. I am really trying to be optimistic, but that silver lining, if anything, is close to obliterate.

TOTD.

It's that residual fear derived from past experiences or concern regarding what could happen that make each hour on the clock dreadful. The daunting thought of the endless possibilities of how the past can replay itself evokes copious amounts of fear. Simply put, reality is a scary place to be.

One in a million, billion, even trillion.

Times will be tough, but I'm glad that I've found that one shining star amongst the millions out there in the galaxy we are in. The one that will watch over me and guide me through all the difficult times that lie ahead, not too far off from here onwards.
I'll try not to rely on you too much, but I'm glad that you'll always be here for me. The best thing about me is you, there is no doubt about it.

Remedy for a malady.

No matter how poignant the circumstances are, there is always tomorrow to look forward to. Tomorrow to look forward to with you, always.

時をとめて。

It is so precious. We both understand just truly how special it really is. We are always so pressed for time. But I hope you know that no matter where we are or what we do, I will not let any second that ticks away go to waste. I appreciate and will always appreciate every moment spent with you.

Reality as it is.

It's that thought that hovers in the back of your mind, silently fighting its way to consume you with each and every second that passes by. It drains the life out of you, leaving you breathless and exhausted. You fight it alone because you are afraid; afraid of trusting, afraid of being a burden, afraid of placing unnecessary weight on someone's shoulders. Being happy means being selfish, in your terms anyway. That is something you don't want to be, so you continue living life every day, a reticent life every day, letting these concoction of thoughts eat away every inch of happiness you have left in you, leaving you completely and utterly miserable.

Strangers, Again, again.

A circular path, a never ending cycle. Where is the exit? Tired of walking this path alone. In the middle of a sandwich, stuck between what I want and what I need.

To be continued.

In a box shoved away in the corner of my mind holds many fragments of the past; friendships that have almost faded, almost forgotten.
What was once considered as the most special thing anyone could ever ask for, slowly lost its life after starving it of effort and time and providing it with the wrong source of food, distance. Once something dies, it cannot be revived. Luckily enough, it holds the potential for new life.

Hide and seek.

Whenever I have you in my hands, you're never there for very long. You slip away from my fingertips without any hesitation. Is there a way to make you stay? I don't want you to leave me here alone any longer. I need you and I need you bad.

Late night ramblings.

I need another way.
I need another day.
I need more time.

It's never going to happen.

Right now.

It's just hit me and I wish that it were all a dream.
I don't want to be apart from you any more.
It's inevitable, I know.
Soon enough.

Dilemma.

As each day passes by, the distance between escalates and nothing seems to be able to pull us back together. All this effort isn't enough to close the distance between us. Is this battle I'm fighting one that is already at a loss? My mind is telling me this is broken and the mess isn't worth the effort. My heart however, begs to differ. It is telling me to not give up or you'll spend an eternity pining over what could have been. This mess can be cleaned up, this downfall is worth the pain. That all of this is worth the suffering, it's worth fixing. But no matter how much I've sacrificed, it is just never enough. What more is there left to do when you've given your utmost best? I'm running out of time.. We're running out of time.

Expectations.

Someone will always have certain expectations of you. Whether you choose to abide by these or not is completely up to you. Just do the right thing.

All you need is you.

People may not support your ambitions ever or they may even tell you that you are incapable of achieving them. But no matter what happens, stay true to yourself and do not let anyone shape your future.
If your heart is set on it and you have a game plan, there should not be anything stopping you. Sure, there will be a few obstacles along the way or you might even have to take the long way around, but as long as your intentions are clear, you will conquer your dream. It takes hard work, persistence and patience. (Don't get crazy though. If you know it is completely out of the picture, then keep dreaming :P!)
Your dreams are yours, do not get caught up in living in the dreams of others.

With or without.

Either way, I'm miserable. I'd rather be miserable with you than have to live without you.

Game on!

I will not lose myself in this unmitigated disaster and, no way in hell am I going to lose you.

Back to square one.

One of my downfalls is my inability to stand up for myself when it comes to you. You're walking all over me, you're stringing me along and I'm letting you; I'm continually letting myself get fucked over because I care so goddamn much about you. I know I'm better than this, but my heart won't let me be.

An enigma.

Her everything is his something.
She will never be good enough for him.

Dysphoria.

It's demanding
it's disappointing
it's deceiving
it's life.

Man the fuck up.

Dammit.

It hurts so unbearably much. You make me miserable.

Altruistic.

Driven by this desire to satisfy your expectations of me, I'm losing myself in this process. You are changing the person I want to be into a person you need me to be. I am entitled to my own freedom, but because I'm so caught up with trying to make it all okay, I oblige. I can't do this alone.

Coincidence.

Would today be the same if yesterday was any different? Things do not just happen.

Tomorrow.

Stop telling yourself that there is always tomorrow. What if there isn't? Make it happen. Not tomorrow. Today.

Memories.

They define us and they shape us. Such things you cannot experience ever again, nor grab hold of it and live it again; they are ephemeral. But the very moment when you begin to trawl through boxes full of old things and find things that were once significant, your past unravels and unwinds pieces itself in a chronological manner. It reminds us of who we once were and how far we have come; all the accomplishments made, all the challenges that have been overcome; that is what makes me happy.

For future reference.

Do not be reticent. Confide in someone; the weight of worries and stress will be halved. Do not worry about being a burden. If someone is willing to listen, they want to and are willing to understand and help. You deserve to be happy.

Considerate.

Have you ever considered stopping and thinking for just one moment? It is not going to kill you. Your instincts may tell you one thing, but sometimes it just does not do you any justice. Reflect upon your actions and try to put them in perspective. Everything has a ripple effect. Some hold more significance than others. But at the end of the day, every action taken and every word said (and it goes on), contains the power to change something, and if not, everything.

Stationary.

Cannot ever expect to achieve anything if all you do is laze around and wait for it all to happen. Wishes do not come true, dreams do not come true; it all happens because of you. Period.

Small things.

From a simple message to a small sacrifice (and it goes on), it all matters. It can wipe a frown off someone's face and replace it with a smile. It can eradicate all the misery and self doubt, bringing hope into someone's life again. The little things have great power and it is a shame some people fail to see that.

Coffee.

Coffee is wonderful! It wakes you up, keeps you warm; it's a concoction for a recipe of happiness. With each sip, brings back a memory from the past; tying up loose ends with another, keeping up to date with another, going on a date with another! Good things happen over coffee.

0.1%

It's always there, but we don't realise it. It's there in copious amounts, it's there in minuscule amounts. Close your eyes, take a breath. It's there. You're just not looking hard enough.