It's always you I'm thinking of.

Whenever I glance over the times we’ve shared, I’m pulled and tugged in opposite directions. I’m torn between the desire to let you go, because that would probably mean that I am able to finally start searching for the happiness I yearn for, and the reluctance to let you go because it is the only light I have left of you; knowing you are still alive.

I’m really struggling to be where I am because of all those moments we shared; it all kept me together and sane. Knowing now that they are nothing more than memories kicks me down and reduce me to a blank state of mind where all I do is search.

Whether it be on the bus, train, or just wandering around, tears fester in the corners of my eyes as I fight my hardest to not show the pain that has put my life at its expense.
Time is wasted trying to grab onto all these precious, fleeting moments. Knowing that I cannot ever relive them again, or experience any of that with you, it honestly breaks my heart.

JT.

In the short amount of time I've known you, our friendship has only blossomed.
I find it rather difficult to express what you mean to me because you're everything I look for in a best friend.
Although we spend most of our time at work together (if not, apart), you still make me happy even when I am at my worst. Your company brings all that comes packaged with joy, and that is just the little bit of it. I will hang onto you with every ounce of my heart, because TANAKA-SAN, I love you very much.

You're pushing me back.

I’m losing who I am and everything that I love is slowly slipping away. I thought I had a passion to chase, a dream to attain. Was I stringing myself along to believe these things because of these ridiculous expectations bestowed upon me?

I’m lacking the motivation, perseverance, and interest to cling onto the willpower that makes things happen. It’s like I don’t even care if I end up nowhere. Right now, all I want is a break from everything.

Four.

It still feels so unreal.
I know what's happened has happened, but I still cannot bring myself to accept reality. I still look for you, I still hear you, I still feel you.

It shouldn't be this way.

I don’t know what is going on. I keep dreaming of you. I see a world I want to be in, one where your presence feels so real; a world where your passing was just a hoax because you felt trapped and wanted to get away; you wanted to feel a change.

I actually don’t know anymore. I feel so disheartened. I really don’t want to carry on anywhere. I don’t even know what the purpose of my existence is. Maybe this is just a phase, but how long are phases meant to last? I keep struggling to climb out of this trench. I’m tangled in a web of emotions and a fabrication of what reality should be.